Tag: intention

Wishcasting not-wednesday

PiaChit Chat

Since my last wish is actually beginning to manifest (thank you very much), and I was in fact thinking only 2 days ago that I had not seen any prompts for this in a while, but if I did join another, I’d wish for some healing. And, well, it’s exactly what this edition is about, so…

Jamie asks: Where Do You Wish for Healing?

I have in fact two wishes when I come to think of it.

I wish to heal my “body batteries” which run flat oh so quickly and are so very hard to recharge. And I’d like to extend this wish to those of my friends who I know are battling the same.

I also wish to heal a rift in the relationship with a family member, who I’m not going to mention by name since I have not asked permission.

What do you wish to heal?

bumble

Creativity and dreams

PiaChit Chat

dreams1

I’ve been dreaming like crazy lately, well, I always did, but sometimes it gets really active in there at night. Last night I was also dreaming about images, not just the usual surreal “movies” where I’m not even Pia and the places I visit don’t exist IRL. I’ve often complained that if I had half the imagination when I’m awake I’d have 20 books worth of material as well as a dozen movies.

Unfortunately I can’t remember the images, but it was definitely about art/painting. Lots of white with little bright splashes of colour. I’ve dreamt about art before, but not all that often, once I did an exhibition of paintings that MOVED – and no, not computer screens. So, usually it’s stuff I would not be able to recreate when I’m awake.

But…. when you think of it – it’s still MY imagination that is creating these dreams, both the stories and the images. So not all of it is rational, but the degree of creativity surely exists in there in my subconscious. If only I could open the door wider.

Maybe it’s just a matter of my excessive brain chatter getting in the way. Maybe something else is holding me back, I haven’t been able to figure this out yet. I really, really would like to. Just give me access to the raw data and I’ll know how to shape and organize it into coherent form I’m sure! Wow, then I’d be on a roll….

Meditation hasn’t yielded anything yet. Nor dream journaling, it’s too hard to explain in ordinary language. As I said, surreal. I know how it feels to be “in the flow”, but I can’t seem to call it forth, I have to wait for it to happen, which is very frustrating. And once you’re frustrated, nothing is dead sure to be happening!

And before you say anything, yes, I did try to capture those fading colour impressions from the dream on paper. But – meh. I think too much. Thinking is great if you have your motif all planned out. With abstracts? Not so much. Even tried lefthanded. Maybe I should start drinking – I wonder what my abstracts would look like after a bottle of bubbles? 😉 (Most likely I’ll fall asleep. I’m such a partygirl. Not.)

Sometimes dreams do have answers though, or so it seems. The night after I wrote last Tuesday’s post I dreamt the solution to some of my questions – however, as soon as I became aware enough to get up and write, it was gone, I only remembered that is was a two step process. That is another problem with too detailed and long dreams, important stuff happens in the middle of them but only the last one is clear (if you’re lucky) when you wake up. I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to take up horse archery… (it would be fun, but needs, wants, number of holes in my head etc.)

It appears I have to develop a habit of waking up faster. 😉 Ack, old age calling…

So, do any of you use dreams in painting or writing, or is it all just nonsense? All the absurd stuff clearly belongs in the shadows I think, but surely the richness of imagination belongs on the other side too?

book2
I had a version of this with a woman in it – but can’t seem to find it in my archives.

I think I’d particularly be interested in the writing aspect myself, because visually I respond more to other things. I’m playing with another “right-brain” technique at the moment, which I read about a while ago, but more on that later. The answer it gave me to this particular question was, however, just as surreal as my actual dreams (literally: “you can try fetch milk daydream on every summer”) So maybe it is so – dreams are dreams and awake is awake, and perhaps they meet at dawn, but only to catch a glimpse of each other.

At least I rarely suffer from sleep paralysis these days, because THAT is just seriously annoying! All the articles say it lasts a few seconds or minutes, but what it feels like is sometimes hours. And yes, I can remember everything, and no, it’s not interesting to write about. Just plain spooky and repetitive.

And I know many of my posts at the moment are about thinking, not doing. I am in fact also doing, I just don’t have anything I’d like to show just yet. Will I ever? No promises… I enjoy the actual process of writing and I want more of that, whether anybody ends up reading it is actually secondary. But it still has to be interesting enough to keep at least my own attention. 😉 (let’s see how many are with me this far)

It seems nature also has a hard time waking up this year, cold, brown, shabby, miserable. No real signs that juices are rising or buds ready to explode, everything  on hold. Hares not playing, no birdies singing to each other, just chirping their heads off for food whenever somebody opens a door or window. It might be wise to just go with it, stay dormant and slow while it lasts, not push ahead and get burnt by the late frost as a result….

wait
Just sit and wait

No more excuses

PiaChit Chat

I have:

Put up a whole bunch of nails around the house to keep my umpteen unfinished masterpieces away from cat claws.

Assembled a pile of canvasses all ready to go in various sizes. Having the frames sitting around in the hayloft for years was obviously one of those times when hoarding is quite ok! And enough canvas for about 30 pictures.

stretcher

Ready, steady, go!

Well, apart from the annoying realization that I can no longer use the staple gun. My hands are too sore and weak to press it all the way in, leaving the tacks to fall out completely or sticking out of the board halfway. I had to call in an assistant after doing just one, and a very poor job of it. 🙁 I don’t know if it’s just because I clipped the hind hoofs of my Arabian the day before, also very hard on the hands when you’re an amateur (and have really small hands to a very large tool). Or if I need to switch to pre-framed $$$ canvas or paper or boards in the future. Didn’t make it any easier that I’d decided to try gallery mounting with the tacks at the back, rather than along the edges like I used to do. Tricky!

I also found some photos of some of my first paintings, acrylic on very large watercolour paper 50×75 cm. Not a complete collection unfortunately, and I suppose I should scan these. You might say I ought to use that until I improve my skills, but I do like canvas. And well, I have the canvas but no paper…. Also you can keep painting over canvasses more times! 😉

k
we actually had this in the dining room for years. When we had one… 100×150 cm or something painted on an old bedsheet.

Funny thing is: I definitely think my taste has improved as well as my skill in the years not painting – INSIDE MY HEAD. This means I have a lot more pressure now, because obviously my muscle skill hasn’t improved one bit in the meantime, but I know I won’t be happy with what I did then. Some of the subject matter yes – but not the execution. There’s maybe I few that I still like and some I’d just as soon paint right over.

It’s not that I have a lack of projects at the moment, I do have a list of things I want to work on, so I don’t technically need a stream of new ideas coming in right now, that are not related to those projects (but if they come, they will be registered of course, can’t stop the flow).

But I still have trouble with the intuitive, playful aspect, just “closing down logic and see what my hand wants to do with a brush”. And I think that is possibly what it preventing me from aquiring the “skill” I feel I need or the ability to be happy with what I produce here and now. My brain really, really wants to know where we’re going before we even take the first step. (and keeps asking “are we there yet?”)

But I’ll keep leaning into it. Today however I have a visitor. Who is probably going to ask: “Why can’t you paint one picture at a time?”

donkeyboy
I have absolutely no idea what I had in mind when I did this decades ago. But Birdie wanted to know how I intended to use my watercolour paper.

danish

Ikke flere undskyldninger

SÃ¥ er der banket søm i alle ledige vægge for at beskytte mine halvfærdige skilderier fra kattene. Jeg har samlet en masse lærreder, nogen gange er det en fordel IKKE at have oprydningsmani, for der lÃ¥ jo lige en hel stak rammer pÃ¥ høloftet og bare ventede pÃ¥ jeg gik i gang igen! Der er jo for en formue i materialer… Ellers kunne man jo male pÃ¥ kraftigt papir, men sÃ¥dan noget har jeg faktisk ikke pÃ¥ lager i stor størrelse.

Desværre var mine hænder for ømme og svage til at bruge clipsemaskinen. Håber det kun er fordi jeg klippede hove på den ene hest i går, for jeg var nødt til at bede om hjælp efter bare 1 lærred, som i øvrigt ligner noget der er løgn på bagsiden.

Jeg fandt ogsÃ¥ en stak fotos af mine første malerier (under en oprydningsrunde 😉 ), desværre ikke alle. Jeg har helt klart ændret smag i mellemtiden og forventer nok ogsÃ¥ en noget bedre kvalitet i udførelsen, hvilket jo er tÃ¥beligt, for mine hænder har jo ikke udviklet deres kunnen undervejs.

Jeg har stadig lidt svært ved at give slip og bare lege billeder frem, og det er muligvis derfor jeg ikke er tilfreds med det jeg producerer. Min hjerne vil åh så gerne vide, hvad vi skal frem til på forhånd. Men jeg bliver ved med at skubbe lidt til muren og fjerne en sten hist og pist, på et eller andet tidspunkt braser den vel sammen.

On laziness and procrastination

PiaChit Chat

gibbon

As some of us discussed in a previous post, I have a tendency to act against my better knowledge because I’m impatient or too lazy to take that extra step of preparation before I can move forward. And I’ve often wondered how I can train myself to not only pay attention to my inner voice but also stop in my tracks and do what it says, because it really is quite clever sometimes and doesn’t deserve to be told off.

Is it about slowing down in general, in thought and actual physical movement? A question of planning and making a structure before you push ahead? (I know people who keep doing that to perfection and thus never getting started – argh! But alas – I guess this is why I don’t play chess) Being more mindful in general, less goal oriented? Just a matter of habit?

Then Birdie suggested there could also be an element of self-sabotage in there. But who would want to do such a thing?! Which in turn made me think of having subconscious fears of succes. After all, once you really make it, there is even more pressure, because now you have to top everything you’ve done previously. And keep doing it! I still don’t quite get how this applies to ordinary daily activities, unless you take your life way too seriously for anybody’s good. But it’s a theory.

I would for instance LOVE to just sit at home in my snuggly little corner and get paid to write books. Never risk having to do another slave job in my life. They’d be great books of course and I’d like to make a truckload of money. Well, a fair amount anyway, enough to make a good life for myself and some extra to share the love around. What I don’t want is to appear in magazines and tv-interviews, even a book signing tour sounds pretty horrible. * Now, that’s really sending a mixed signal to the universe, right? I want the succes, but only the nice bits! Disregarding my chances of producing a best seller or not, could this and other similar disharmonies of intention be causing some of those weird reactions? “I want to paint but I have a million excuses before I can get started.” Later is not as real as now, so it’s also safer in terms of showing what you’ve got.

This is definitely something I need to be working on and thinking about.

-~*~-

* I don’t mind putting in the long hours of research, writing, editing etc. But is seems that today, if you want to sell, you don’t have to just output great stuff, you also have to be a travelling circus. In fact I have a feeling that publishers only bother marketing the authors that look good in pictures. (ok, I’m a lost case already….)

-~*~-

I’m also trying to teach myself, not to stop procrastinating, because I don’t think I can at this point in time, but to do it differently. Trick myself into not wasting time; and by that I don’t mean well deserved naps, but the times when you hang out in front of the computer, checking the weather page (again), looking up new tags on WordPress, read Facebook (I’m a stalker – never post, only comment my friends’ posts). All because you want to avoid spending 3 minutes walking to the (chilly) back room to start a load of laundry. Or stack firewood, trim horse hooves etc.

So what I’m practising is: Say that I plan to spend the day painting because it’s sunny but cold, so I have enough light but want to be inside, I’ve been having some ideas, perfect, yes? And yet I find myself pottering about not really doing much of anything, getting more coffee (which I honestly don’t even like much), clipping my nails, or getting overwhelmed with exhaustion, feeling the flutter of moths (not pretty butterflies) beating hard inside me; instead of flopping down for something completely brainless, I now do useful displacement activities. So I may not have beaten my performance anxiety, but at least the floor is clean, the laundry all done, my desk is shiny (very useful) and I feel a small victory in not having spent 4 hours reloading silly webpages. (not counting those of you wonderful, inspiring people whose pages I read regularly of course 😉 )

This has also (I hope, since this is a fairly new practice) solved another old problem of mine: having too many hobbies. This used to stress me out completely, because I felt I had/wanted to do all of them all the time, with equal skill, attention and results. Painting and knitting ended up on a shelf for many, many years, the horses were gone for over a decade too, but then all of them insisted on coming back as well as the photography, the computer graphics, new ones entered such as gardening, spinning and dyeing. And, well, you still have to cook and clean and mow the grass, fix the fences, and if you had the money it would be nice to fix up the house too. I’d love to start writing again. I want to learn to felt, and how about using all that plant dyed yarn to make tapetries? Calligraphy is cool. Collages. I love to read – for days. Etc. etc. So no matter which activity I chose for the day, I felt guilty about the others. And sometimes (often) not doing any of them just from the stress of juggling them in my head (clicking webpages again while I worked on my decision). And some of you may have noticed, I didn’t even talk about jobs…

Now I’ve decided that

  1. I don’t need to be doing any of it all the time. I can totally justify having a spinning wheel and only using it once a month, even if I’ve got 40 pounds of wool sitting around the house and also rearranged half the living room into a painting studio.
  2. I can use those many hobbies, which are in some ways related since they’re mostly about visual creativity, to outsmart my anxiety. So you’re too scared to paint today? Ok, well, while you’re picking up your guts I’ll go write a blog post. Don’t have anything to say? Right, let’s dye some yarn. And while I wait for the water to boil I’ll just prime a few pieces of paper or frame some canvas, just so it’s ready to go in case you do feel like picking up a brush. That way, I’m still being creative, or getting everything organized and easy for being creative instead of just running away for a nap and then feeling like a complete failure for doing so. The focus is on keeping a certain flow, not which actual activity is helping me do so. If all else fails, I’ll sit down with my coffee and read a book about being creative….

One benefit is, that some tasks are so boring (such as housework) that I have to procastinate my way through those by doodling a bit, slather some random paint on a canvas for a background etc. in between tasks – or actually during if I break up laundry into sorting, washing, hanging, folding. So the method works both ways. I get more things done without rushing or stressing about a todo list, I pretty much choose my current activity in the moment. Being a world champion of list making, this is incredibly liberating! I mean, I have the making of to-do lists as a whole hobby/activity in itself. I still need them to declutter my head, but I don’t actually look at them very much – and I still get as much done if not more. Cool huh?

But all this sounds really complicated. Am I in reality just fighting windmills a lazy nature? I know my body doesn’t seem to want to move about much of its own accord, as in sports, dancing etc. Maybe I should just lay down arms and embrace who I am; but I’m worried that is someone who sits on the sofa with a book, eating cake all day, house falling apart around me…. I have this inner drive – but I’m nearly always tired.

-~*~-

Synchronicity again: I finish the post, then read this:

We are generally torn between two opposite sets of instructions programmed into the brain: the least-effort imperative [entropy] on one side, and the claims of creativity [discovery] on the other.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

If you made it this far, you deserve a reward. 😉 I’m sorry I didn’t find more pictures to distract you.

Changes

PiaChit Chat

sloth dreaming his life away

The wishcasting Wednesday project had me thinking about how we shape our lives, because I can’t really decide whether I think all this dreamboard “Secret Law of Attraction” stuff is just another New Age brainfart or whether I sortof believe in it. I mean, it would be nice if you could just think and dream anything into your life, yes? Part of me just says “naaah – airy fairy bs”. I guess as on many other issues, I remain the agnostic, never a convert.

But as a person in my mid-forties still not quite knowing what I’ll be when I grow up, this has always been an important issue, do I have a calling or not *, why am I here, how do I get over there? We all want to feel useful, to contribute and be of service (well most of us) and have a bit of joy in the meantime. I realise that your calling isn’t necessarily your job (but even so, jobs don’t have to be absolutely dreary, do they?), not all of us need to be heroes either, but it would be nice to feel that you’re not just here passing time and water.

Another reason this subject is interesting to me is that ahead of me is having to completely reinvent my previous “career” (again) and I haven’t got a clue. I know what my dream job would be of course, but I’m not of the school that claims you can be ANYTHING. No, I could never have been a ballet dancer or a nuclear physicist, ok? I just don’t have it in me. (my luck is, I didn’t want to, but that wouldn’t have helped me) Unfortunately one part of my personality that I’ve not been able to retrain is that I become extremely grumpy in the long run if I’m not passionate about what I’m doing. Well, actually I see that as a good quality, but it makes life a bit more complicated in a world of many boring jobs.

ANYWAY, this post then popped up last week and confirmed what it was I was trying to think: How to Change Your Life: A User’s Guide : zenhabits.

I guess I do believe in making wish lists and dream boards and affirmations and all that sh*t. I’ve even seen the stuff happen. But I don’t think they work on their own, or, well, in a way they do, but not the way they’re usually presented.

Affirmations help reprogram your brain, your subconscious, your perception of life and more importantly, yourself. If you keep at it, you can dig new pathways instead of the old limiting beliefs you have. For me this is not happening just because I read something clever and decide, oh yeah, this is truth! Doesn’t make one bit of real change in me. I need it repeated over and over again until suddenly I realise something HAS been replaced, I have changed one of my thinking habits so that it now is the automatic one. Get out of the groove and into a new one.

Affirmations remind you to take action, they don’t work on their own by sending out holy vibrations into the Universe. (well, maybe I’m wrong and they actually do, but it doesn’t seem to be enough) Write it all down, but also take steps to get there, pick them up once in a while, brainstorm a bit. Add to your list not just each goal, but every method you can think of that would get you closer. Use them to stay focused. If you want 10.000 followers on your blog, you do have to spend a fair amount of time at your keyboard outputting stuff, not just writing the goal on a slip of paper and put it in a pink box with a coloured rock on top.

Also, like Leo says, small steps work for me. Teeny tiny steps in fact. Breaking down my goals into really small ones. Because it’s so much easier to get quick(ish) successes that way and boost your confidence and will to keep working. In fact, sometimes my first step is the intention itself, nothing more. Thinking it over, tasting a bit, rephrasing, getting used to it to wear down inner resistance, backing up to get a running start if you will. It won’t work unless I decide I believe in it.

Some habits I find harder to automate than others, such as drinking enough water. I think I have it down pat for a couple of months, then all of a sudden I realise I’ve stopped again. I can go all day on one cup of tea unless I actively keep it at the front of my mind at all times. Glass, tap, water, bring it with you, drink, refill. I have no idea why this is, maybe I have a brain defect. 😉

I also try not to fixate on one particular outcome, I use broad descriptions for some things, such as – is it important to be working with one particular thing, for instance “I want to be a painter” (to keep it inside the subjects of this blog), or could “I want to work with creative crafty things” work? The latter opens up to being a teacher, a writer, a yarn designer, a sculptor, make your own suggestions. Limiting yourself to one outcome closes you to all the future options that you haven’t yet imagined but which would make you just as happy. Maybe you’d be fine not working with artsy stuff, so “I have a wonderful, fulfilling, wellpaid job” might do the trick? Having written that, another blog post from Leo turned up, so maybe those invisible vibrations out there do work somehow. 😉

The Not Knowing Path

Then again I’ve found I need to narrow down the description or be real specific for other wishes. Not that I’m in the market for one, but writing “I want a husband” could attract all sorts of losers, you know? But you did get what you asked! You didn’t say he had to be nice. So I guess you do have to be aware of your preferences and just as importantly, what you most certainly don’t want. Sometimes life offers you things that you are meant to turn down. Lists and affirmations help you come clear on those issues.

Another problem with visualization as a meditation, a practice where you find your deepest feelings and see yourself already in the desired situation, is that many people seem to focus on something they’re actually obsessed by. Becoming financially very rich very fast, meeting that film star etc. In fact I believe that if you’re really good at it, it can be very unhealthy and wear you down instead. Deplete your energy, an escape from life as it is right now. So not only are you not getting your desire, you’re not getting anywhere.

The third link that came up for me as I was drafting this post in bits and pieces (jotting down keywords more like), was this. Today I have no idea why I included it, maybe you guys can make sense of it. I’ve certainly had my fair share of burnout in my quest for purpose….

Burnout: How To Recognise It, How To Fix It + How To Get Better At It

I know there’s probably a booklist a mile high and an even longer blogroll of people talking more eloquently about these things than me. But for some reason I learn better when I say things myself. Also, even though I do read very fast, there’s a limit to how much I have time to search and digest, so a few things I just have to do the hard way and figure out, even if I’m just reinventing hot water. So I’ll insist on throwing this kind of rants at you once in a while as part of my open intentions project. I can’t afford a therapist. 😉 And this is a lot more fun too I’m sure.

_____________________________________________________

* And after writing that, I stumbled on this quote from Paulo Coelho: “Life has a way of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen at once.” Well, Synchronicity I have to believe in, since it keeps happening to me all the time. Maybe just a question of “you see what you focus on”, but it does appear to be a little bit spookier that just so. And that is another blog post to be written or not.