The path of not

path
(yes we did go, as I didn’t have a good photo of a path where I didn’t go. Oh wait, that’s the whole point…)

It seems that lately – or maybe always, it’s not that clear to me – I’ve been saying things like “I don’t want to go there” and at some point that’s exactly where I’m headed.

So I started knitting again a few years ago after a 20 year break. But just using cheap supermarket yarns and definitely not wool because it’s scratchy. (it still is) And no way I’d want to hoard it and build a huge stash just sitting there because I don’t knit very fast. Until I discovered all the wonderful yarns and purposes that have emerged since the last time I looked at the craft.

Spinning yarn myself didn’t even occur to me. Until I saw someone online doing it with just a stick? So out of curiosity, I asked her how the hey that was even possible. And of course needed to construct my own stick just to test the physics of it all you know. After I found out it was doable I had to make actual yarn too. And then I was hooked and went on to spin for a lace shawl for my mum, but spindles were cool enough, it’s not like I’d ever want a wheel. 3 months later, I had one. (After finishing that lace which took ages on a homemade spindle of course. But it was a really lovely shawl in silk and merino)

lace6

Firmly stuck in the fiber world, next thing I wanted was to sample all sorts of wool. But really, I reassured everybody, it’s not like I want to muck about with filthy smelly fleeces, it just takes forever to work with something like that and it stinks and no way, look at all the pretty stuff you can just get online. Next spring I asked our hay provider if they ever did anything with the fleeces of their pet sheep because it would be cool to just try it. (incidentally I now also have sacks of really nice Gotland and Wensleydale fleece added to the collection)

So knitting, spinning, dyeing (which I never did say no to btw) – but that was it. NOT going to get into felting or weaving, no way, no how! I had planned some freeform knit/crochet picturemaking that never happened, so I really should have read the signs on that one…

There’s the mixed media art journaling craze that wasn’t for me (well, I’m not sure it is actually, as my collages tends to be the kind where I rebuild images rather than make cute intuitive decorative pieces with cool calligraphy. Mine are like “Tiny fat man with giant chicken in a forest of broccoli”). I may just keep it at looking at other people’s art journals, we’ll see. I’m not a journal journal person either, and that’s not a real no, that’s experience. But for some reason, some days I still want to try it even though really I don’t. 😉

sorry, couldn't find any of my actual collages...
sorry, couldn’t find any of my actual collages…

I guess I have a built-in desire to investigate things for no other particular reason than doing so. The world is filled with so much interesting stuff! I guess at least it’s a good thing that only some of the things I try out stay for good, or periodically, while others pass by. Such as learning about herbs, both in cooking and as medicine. But when it comes to gardening, I’ve at least come to accept that I do have limitations after all. In another life. Or if for some reason I can’t pursue my other hobbies. Later. Maybe. For now, I grow a few dye plants, salad greens and leftover potatoes. And an abundance of grass and thistles among the perennials. So that’s a different kind of no, an afterthought rather than foresight. I’m not showing you any photos of my 1000 m2 failed vegetable garden. (I mean it)

I’ve dabbled in websites, flash animation and I just remembered that as a kid (9-10-ish) I did classes in flower arrangement and pottery decoration! Where the hey did that come from and where did it go?

I wondered this morning whether I should devote some effort to learning how I distinguish real no’s from the fake ones. And a second later decided that I can’t be bothered, really. Things will change when they do and sometimes they don’t and it doesn’t really matter if I know in advance. But it’s a curious thing.

When I say the word “no” however, I still expect people to interpret that as “no”. If by chance I didn’t mean it I’ll take the responsibility/blame of missing out on something, thank you. How do you go about saying no? Am I really saying no, because part of me actually wants to say yes to everything? And we all know that’s just impossible.

botler
I also dabbled in 3D graphics once – created a series of robots on rollerblades. Clearly my talents are not from the girly cute department.

Ikke-vejendanish

Nå, jeg må jo hellere prøve på dansk også, ellers bliver Miri ked af det. 😉 Men jeg vil gerne sige, at jeg altså synes det er kedeligt at oversætte sådan en lang smøre! (også selvom jeg sjældent skriver helt det samme – gassen går bare af ballonen når jeg har skrevet første version!)

Jeg har opdaget en tendens hos mig selv som er lidt spøjs. Jeg siger noget om at “det og det har jeg ikke lyst til” og kort tid efter er jeg lige nøjagtig i gang med dette. Det gælder naturligvis ikke alting, men det er alligevel påfaldende.

“Jeg kan i hvert fald godt nøjes med billigt akrylgarn fra Netto”. Lige indtil jeg ser alle de fantastiske garner man kan købe nutildags.

“Jeg gider ikke bruge uld, det kradser!” Ok, det gør det stadig, men farverne! er så meget mere fantastiske end syntet.

Spinde faldt mig overhovedet ikke ind, med alle de spændende garner i butikkerne. Indtil jeg så en som spandt garn på en pind – så måtte jeg jo lige spørge ind til mekanikken i det, lave min egen pind og forsøge og ja, så var jeg fanget og skulle pludselig spinde et lace sjal til min mors fødselsdag. “Men en rok skal jeg i hvert fald ikke have, spindepinde er cool!” Tre måneder senere havde jeg en brugt rok.

“Men jeg skal i hvert fald ikke have får og stå og vaske stinkende uld, der er så meget flot og klargjort i butikkerne!” Ja, suk. Dog har jeg ikke nogen får, jeg KAN godt lade fornuften råde af og til, man må trods alt kende (nogen af) sine begrænsninger. Men stinkende uld har jeg og ønsker mig nu en kartemaskine. Det gjorde jeg heller ikke til en start, “for håndkarter er helt ærligt nok!”

“Der er så meget at strikke, så det med at filte og væve, det gider jeg virkelig ikke.” Som billedinteresseret gennem hele livet burde jeg virkelig have fanget dén påstand noget før…

Og så er der collager og “art journaling” som slet ikke er mig, men som alligevel drager når jeg ser andres. Der var den gang jeg i hvert fald kun gad ride skovture og aldrig ville interessere mig for dressur. Osv. osv.

Der er også ting jeg egentlig gerne vil, men siger nej af tidsnød. Fårene. Urtelære. Den kæmpe, pasningskrævende have (been there – fik ikke nogen t-shirt).

Og så er der ting jeg en gang gjorde, som jeg er holdt op med. Websider, flash animationer, 3D grafik. Og så kom jeg lige pludselig i tanke om for nylig, at som lille pige (ca 10) gik jeg til både porcelænsmaling og blomsterbinding. Aner ikke hvor det kom fra eller hvor det forsvandt hen…

Jeg er på en eller anden måde drevet og draget til at studere ting, undersøge, lære, fordybe mig. Jeg kan ikke lade være, også selvom jeg ikke aner hvad jeg skal bruge det til bagefter. Nogen gange ville jeg ønske, at jeg i stedet kunne fokusere så inderligt på noget nyttigt og vedvarende i stedet for at flyve rundt som en tosset lille sommerfugl og smage på det hele. Eller at jeg bare havde meget mere energi, så jeg kunne nå det hele.

Jeg tænkte på i morges om jeg skulle bruge krudt på at lære forskellen mellem nej og måske. Og i samme sekund at nej, jeg gider ikke. Ting sker og ændrer sig når de gør det og jeg behøver ikke vide det på forhånd. Men det er sært at jeg næsten altid skal den der omvej hen til tingene.

Til gengæld forventer jeg altid at mine nej bliver hørt som sådanne. Hvis jeg skulle sige det uden at mene det, så skal JEG nok tage skraldet og skuffelsen osv. over at gå glip af noget, tak. Nej er stadig nej.

Hvordan siger du nej? Og hvorfor mon jeg har det der behov for at berolige mig selv og omgivelserne om at jeg slet ikke har gang i en hel masse på én gang, for det er jo det jeg prøver på eller hvad? Det er jo i virkeligheden ikke, når jeg sådan ser hvad jeg har skrevet, noget med at sige nej, men ligeså meget om at sige ja?

Jeg ville gerne have sat flere illustrationer ind undervejs, men frk. Photoshop er ked af det i dag. Og nu skal jeg lige rydde et eller andet op inden jeg kollapser i hængekøjen før den bliver optaget!n Nåja, og tid til kamerahavetur er det vist også.

20 thoughts on “The path of not

  1. “I wondered this morning whether I should devote some effort to learning how I distinguish real no’s from the fake ones. And a second later decided that I can’t be bothered, really. Things will change when they do and sometimes they don’t and it doesn’t really matter if I know in advance. But it’s a curious thing.”

    This really resonated with me. What you describe in this post is a very common theme in my life. In fact, I am struggling right now with something I’ve said “no” to a number of times now, but secretly want to do. Everyone asks..”Are you going to?” and I give my myriad of excuses and say no.

    Except, I already think this is actually a yes, or an “I’ll try.” I just don’t want to accept the fact that I could try and fail, so I don’t want to say yes until I know I will not fail.

    1. So some no’s are actually secret yesses. Interesting. I think for me it’s not so much fear of failing, rather knowing that my surroundings will say “do you really have to spend so much money/why can’t you stick to one thing” etc.

    1. Oh, my interests never end, I haven’t mentioned half of them. It’s insane 😉 I wonder if I’ll ever grow up / settle down.

  2. Q – LOL! I alway told my own kids and my students to “Never say never, because that’s exactly what would happen.” LOL! I learned that after I finished my high school chemistry class i said, “I’m never taking another chemistry class again.” Huh! I said that knowing I was going to major in Microbiology in college. Guess what? I have a minor in chemistry and worked as a chemist for 15 years. Learned my lesson!

    1. Ah, so if I DO want something, all I have to say is never?

      I should at least learn to take the hint. Or to control my impulses….

  3. Haha…this sounds so much like me…especially in the fiber arts…I learned how to spin, only because I’m inheriting my mormor’s mor’s Swedish spinning wheel…very old and beautiful…from there I found myself carding and digging through and cleaning dirty wool…who would have thought? And now I’m learning to warp a huge floor loom inherited from my mother…and believe me I never wanted to do that…but you know It isn’t really that bad….

  4. Funny post. If you don’t try all these things, you’d never know if you liked them, would you. So, well done for trying. You seem to have lots of success whatever you try 🙂

    1. I suppose you’re right, once the interest is there, you can’t just let the thought go. But I genuinely thought some of these things weren’t for me at all! I don’t know if I have succes, but I do have a lot of fun.

      1. Some things come so easily to other people that we are tempted to try. Then we find that we can’t quite reach those heights. Perhaps another interest comes along and suddenly there it is, we GET it! I am trying patchwork at the moment. It’s new to me and just now I can’t imagine being able to finish a full size quilt but if I just keep going, maybe …

        1. It’s true, seeing all the amazing stuff people create is a big motivator and teaser. I feel the same way when I hear piano music, but I know that would be a dead end, so I have no trouble containing myself in that area.

          1. I learned to play piano when I was a child (no TV then!). I learned it to a very low level but I quite enjoyed it, although it stopped me going out to play sometimes. In my adult life I once felt the need to take it up again and I enrolled for a course on the keyboard at the local college of further education for adults. However, sadly, not enough people enrolled and the course was cancelled. There ended my piano playing achievements. My aunty Lottie gave me an old piano when I was little and that is what prompted my mother to put me in for lessons. However the piano was so old that the keys were only half as high as they should have been. It wasn’t long before it became unusable and I never did get another one. Happy memories though. Do take it up if you have the time. I love the sound of piano music too.

          2. Nah – my brother got all the musical genes. And my hands are starting to show slight signs of osteoarthritis, so combined with all the other things I want to try to learn, I think I need another hobby like a hole in the head. Not to mention lack of floor space here. I’ve got craft stuff all over the house, even the bathroom! (big 28 liter canner for dyeing)

  5. “Jeg skal i hvert fald aldrig … ” Det har også jeg sagt mange gange, og så er det netop det, jeg har gjort eller er blevet. Men på min egen kringlede måde. “Jeg skal i hvert fald aldrig have kørekort!” Godt, så kan du få buskørekort i stedet.
    “Jeg skal i hvert fald aldrig være lærer.” “Så kan du da bruge læreruddannelsen på dine egne børn”!
    Sådan er det gået hele vejen. Hvem er det der svarer på vores “aldrig” med et lunt smil og et “Gdt så” ?

    1. Haha – og her troede jeg, jeg gik rundt og var noget helt sær(ligt). Det er sgi da noget underligt noget, at man skal gøre det hele så kompliceret. Jeg sagde som helt lille pige at jeg i hvert fald ikke skulle giftes og “bare” være husmor. Ja, nu har jeg så “orlov” og passer hus og have. Og har ellers arbejdet hjemmefra siden 2000, du ved, så klarer man jo lige vasketøjet med venstre hånd osv.

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