If I were to move

Not that I’m planning or hoping to, but these many weeks of disability lately has made me question, as usual, whether I’m ever going to utilize my garden, my studio, or even survive for another 30 years. Chronic pain does a number on your thinking, not just your outlook but the simple ability to form coherent thoughts and carry them out.

Just as I’d gotten used to lower back pain sometimes rendering me sitting to do computer work or spinning yarn, I now find that my upper back is so “active” that it spreads into my arms and head – and I cannot do computer work with a splitting headache, I’m afraid to use my arms, which is silly, but a side effect of pain. Every time I just reach out for my cup there is a crunch in my neck and I don’t know why it does this, so it worries me. And yet, I still get excited seeing creations like this:

I struggle with understanding the reasons and mechanisms so I can act and change my ways, all the while feeling peevish and helpless, as well as becoming inspired to write lists of things to be done in the garden and the rest of the property. I threaten to give up completely, longing for the days when I was only fatigued, intertwined with dreaming big dreams as usual.

All in all, I’m uncertain how much you’ll be seeing me, as I’m finding it as complicated as ever to accept the role of a useless, difficult person. I’m hoping of course that all this will swing back in the other direction, forgotten by next week, but I dare not believe it at the same time. I’m just no good with things which cannot be fixed, I’m also terrible at ignoring it and just soldier on.

Turns out, according to the book mentioned above, that prolonged pain teaches the brain and body to become more adept at feeling it, adapting more and more nerve cells to send pain signals, to focus on it. How the hey do you untrain something like that!!? It seems like a pretty useless function, one that I would be inclined to just want to shove all the way into the deepest corner, give me a pill and let me get on with life. Surely, if I felt pain free every day for a year or two the brain would unlearn this response, don’t you think? Yes, I have loads to time on my hands to speculate such conundrums while nausea etc. keeps me away from all the fun stuff.

Anyway, I know it’s not really something anybody wants to hear or talk about, but frankly I don’t really know how to connect anymore. I just wanted to let you know, those of you who care, why I may fall off the radar at some point. I know I’d wonder if it happened to one of you out there in cyber community.

To get back on track: If you could create a house JUST for you, without any consideration to norms and expectations or anybody’s differing taste, what would it look like? Entertain me pls. 😀

20 thoughts on “If I were to move

  1. having been absent from wordpress myself i had no idea you were having such an awful time. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain Pia.

    okay as you asked: light bright, clean and spacious. Lots of natural light. No clutter, space to put things away. A kitchen with drawers (unbelievably this place has NO kitchen drawers). French windows into the garden. A Passiv Haus would be wonderful. Not so much a plan as a list of requirements, but I rarely go there because it feels too far out of reach and I can get a little low thinking about what I can’t have.

    1. French windows into a lush, blooming garden/orchard sounds like a wonderful addition to the floorplan! I can get really annoyed with the layout of mine with a long, useless stretch of lawn. But my imagination runs into a blank regarding how to make it into a series of “rooms”, since it runs parallel to the house rather than away from it. I don’t know why that stumps me, but it does. It’s not as if I’m up to that much digging anyway, LOL. I know what you mean about dreaming “too much”.

        1. Yes, I do have the space, to do as much or as little with as I’m able. And while I sometimes think, in the face of having to rip out and redo all the plumbing in the house to modern specifications of living in a water sensitive zone, as well as needing a new roof and all that hassle it will entail (next year), that it would be nice to just get another already fixed up house, there’s also an appeal to developing a place over years and years, even if your intentions end up taking 10x as long as you thought they would while other things fall into disrepair and thistle mayhem in the meantime. The challenge of coming up with creative solutions and see the things grow that you do manage to add.

          1. French windows – yes, me too. And I too lived in a kitchen with no drawers – stupid idea, I agree. It must have been in fashion sometimes in the past 😉
            A long garden – separate sections with the “doors” to the next section offset in a meandering sort of way. New colours, smells, textures, themes … for every part. Hedges etc. need not to be over-tall or shadowing, the almost-view of the next part would be part of the excitement. I’d like to win a large sum – or a gardener/handyman in the lottery 😉

          2. Totally on board with winning a gardener! Since keeping 2-3 husbands could turn out to be quite a challenge, both to acquire and handle! *G*

            Come to think of it I need 4: the computer geek, a vet, a gardener and a physical therapist. Hahaha

  2. Mit hus-ideal ville være rangerens hytte fra “Skyggens Lærling”. I en lysning ved skoven ikke så langt fra en sød købstad.
    To soveværelser i den ene ende, et opholdsrum i midten og køkken i den anden. En veranda på forsiden og en stald med indhegning/hestefold og brændeskur omme bagved. . Så er der også en bane til bueskydning, en urtehave – kun med krydderurter og lægeurter,(noget, der kan passe sig selv medens rangeren er borte i kongens tjeneste). Jeg ville så tilføje en stor lade eller udhus delt i to. En del som “gymnastiksal” med sværd-, bue- og stavholdere og spejle på væggen og trapezer og ringe i loftet. Den anden halvdel skulle være til husflid, plads til både vævning, trædrejning maling og syning. Og lys … masser af lys.

    Apropos det det med smerter og smertefølsomhed. Prøv at læse dette her: https://annabogdanova.dk/kroniske-smerter/ Der er øvelser nederst. Det har stort set helbredt min “psykopatskulder”.
    Bliv endelig ved med aat give et pip fra dig i ny og næ. Der er alt for mange blogge efterhånden der bare slutter nærmest midt i en sætning, og det synes jeg er så trist.

    1. Tak for link, jeg checker. Jeg tror jeg er så skuffet denne gang fordi jeg jo netop har været flittig med træning det seneste år og derfor troede jeg havde en slags helle mod forværringer.

      Dine planer lyder fantastiske (tror ikke jeg har læst bogen). Og jeg bider mærke i, at selve bo-området ikke behøver være særlig stort, med fokus på alle aktiviteterne! Lige netop. Det kræver jo ikke ret meget plads at sove eller spise! De franske døre som Sarah nævnte ud til haven, gerne med påsat veranda som Colette fra Bealtaine Cottage i øvrigt også har, er også med i mine fantasier.

      Meget på min ønskeliste har jeg allerede, naboerne med en vis afstand, trafik ligeså. Mangler skoven i baghaven med lange vandreruter uden at skulle ud blandt bilerne x km først. Det er også en af grundene til at jeg har accepteret at være hesteløs for nuværende.

      Jeg håber ikke jeg holder helt op med at vise mig her i blog-land, men jeg kan jo heller ikke blive ved med at skrive bar’ piveindlæg. 😉

      1. Jeg mangler noget meget vigtigt: Lav lige en tilbygning til dagligstuen. Midt overfor indgangsdøren. Derinde skal være bibliotek med bøger fra loft til gulv og et par magelige stole foran en kamin.

  3. Hi Pia,
    Have you ever considered reading about and or learning EFT?(Emotional Freedom Technique). Or “The Emotion Code”. Dr. Bradley Nelson. In the USA, EFT is covered by some insurances.

    1. I’m fairly sure if it exists in Denmark, that it’s not covered by our healthcare system. But I’ll look into what it is, thanks!

      I think I’m extra terrified this time because my mother suffered a slipped disc in her neck some years ago and had surgery to replace two that were so thin the vertebrae were resting on each other. One of her symptoms was nerve pain into and loss of use of her arms for a long time, so I have this hypochondriac fear response to my current predicament! I remember the nerve pain in my leg from my slipped disc which I think I’ve recovered from fairly succesfully.

  4. You have been through so much lately, physically and emotionally–I think it’s amazing you can still dream big dreams. I hope so much you can heal enough to pursue some of them! As far as a perfect house, I like the schematic you included here, with a handyman/gardener and a light housekeeper. And a lake and many cats.

    1. A lake added to the list!! Not much for the ocean. Maybe I could convince one of the 4 husbands to cook. And another to tidy up and vaccuum. ROFL

      I’ve been considering if this is all an emotional response, turning my neck and shoulder muscles the consistensy of ropes despite several chiropractic crunch sessions to unlock the base of my neck.

      I need a Vulcan meditation tutor or something.

  5. Oh, I am sorry you are having such physical troubles, but it seems your creative brain is trying to come through.

    Funny, lately I have had a house plan in my mind – I call it my “widow’s house” because I would have to live there alone. One large room with kitchenette at one end. Many built in shelves to hold books and yarn. A day bed in front of west facing windows for sleeping. A large mud-storage room with washer/dryer, drawers and cupboards. If I can’t fit it in there, I don’t need it! And a small but well designed wet bath. A full cellar below and a large sunny room above, where crafts and guests could reside. No access to the cellar from the outside, and a trap door for access from the inside. I have an unreasonable fear of someone breaking into the house through the cellar. A large glass door (not a sliding door!) onto a screen porch and from there to a small deck and from there to the garden. Across the yard, a small garage. Small but not tiny, with room for everything I actually need, and no room for things I don’t need.

    1. Yes, I have a feeling that to arrange and decorate everything to my exact liking I would need to be the only human resident as well!

      I’m thinking about turning my tack/feed room into a cold storage pantry. When I finally, some day, manage to clear it of horse stuff.

      1. lol it’s why I think I will need to build from scratch, and not move anything in that doesn’t belong. then what to do with everything that doesn’t make the grade? 🙂

  6. First of all great sympathy for your health issues.
    Now to entertain you.
    I am a bit stuck on location. Either a square in a small city with a communal garden in the middle, and a small private garden at the front of the house. Steps going up to the front door of a terraced large Edwardian house. The door has satained glass windows, and th large entrance hall has gorgeous floor tiles and a sweeping staircase and dark banister rails. The front room has a bay window with window seats and fabulous cushions so you can read and watch the world go by. Beautiful fireplace for a log fire and comfy armchairs . I would love a library too, oak bookshelves from floor to ceiling, and a leather sofa and a fireplace. Large kitchen with a scrubbed wooden table, and a dresser filled with delicious things to eat. A dining room at the back of the house with double french windows to open onto steps to go down into the garden. An established garden , immaculately kept by the gardener, I shall just snip roses into a basket whilst wearing a beautiful floral dress and large sunhat. Old fashioned deckchairs, and wrought iron garden furntiure and strawberry patterned cushions and teaset. Apple trees and plum trees, chickens and bees. A walled veg garden and wooden greenhouse. And a craft room for me, fully heated, very pretty good lighting and inexhaustable supply of yarn and fabric.
    Or a small stone cottage near a castle with views over the countryside. Very neat and cosy and looking remarkably like a Miss Marple cottage, and a cottage garden and a summer house, and a cat who doesn’t walk on kitchen work surfaces and doesn’t pounce on yarn and keeps mice at bay outside, and a village green and church, and scones for tea in summer.
    Or an academic setting, think Oxford or Cambridge and rooms with views over the quad, and muffins for tea over the fire and chestnuts and mulled wine.
    Any of those would do….

    1. Thanks for those lovely visuals! I can believe all of them, except the part about the cat staying off kitchen counters…..

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