Random rants (with yarn)

Still feeling a bit slow and tired here, I know it keeps cycling round like this, I just never cease to be baffled over it anyway. πŸ˜‰ But I’ve managed to dye a little random hank of yarn now and again, all of which I’ll tell you about later, but for now I’ll just show them.

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I’ve never actually tested whether uninterrupted quiet, a stressfree environment etc. would break the cycle if it went on long enough, life keeps interfering. I’m working hard on avoiding the guilt trips that others try to send me on, but there are still “duties” as well as “things that just need to get done”.

And of course taking every 3-4 weeks out of the calendar for migraine, nausea, severe pains and my thinking patterns completely distorted. Oh, dear perimenopause how we do not love you. And then the catching up of everything afterwards. One of the reasons I managed to get a lot done this summer is the one time I had a whopping 6 week break, yay! I’m still waiting for the progesterone cream and agnus castus drops to really really kick in noticably enough for me to continue. I’m thinking of looking into some kind of detox of “heavy metals” (no, I don’t mean Def Leppard) and such, but I know that won’t necessarily make me feel better in the short run…

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So during the meanwhile, my brain feels as chirpy as ever, throwing a multitude of project suggestions my way daily, happily rattling on about yarn and paints and studio designing and on and on and on. It’s been a while since I updated my idea book, I better get up to speed and organize it, perhaps try the bullet journal system? (I already do/did something similar, but not that organized – and now of course I’ve already made up some additions/improvements for it…) I’m very happy that this IS HAPPENING to me, that my appetite for creating doesn’t go away almost ever, no matter how bad I feel. All I have to do is decide on a project waiting, pick it up and go. What’s missing in this equation of course is the physical drive to match the internal.

I’m also determined to learn to do one thing at a time, even if it means finishing some of the tedious practical tasks that go before or after the creating. I feel it’s essential to not getting sucked into the stress vortex again. Every time I feel well I can sense myself picking up speed automatically, it’s like a fast horse, if you just let it go, you may pass the point of control where no brakes apply, so you need to keep contact on the bit, rein in just a little bit regularly to remind it that someone is on top or you’ll crash. I’ve tried it – both metaphorically and with an actual horse, so I’m not making this up. πŸ˜‰

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It’s funny though how the monkey mind works. When I was in the shower earlier, I thought this post was going to be sligtly different, but dressing, letting the horses out to grass, walking the dog (ah, another sunny warm day after 3 rainystormy ones!) and back here something else comes out of my keyboard. G says I ought to have a taperecorder taped to my arm 24/7. But then, when do I actually listen to it to cull out the useful bits? No, I guess important stuff will float by again sometime. Or not. Perhaps it will flow to someone more prepared in the moment, LOL.

I’ve been pondering the subject of thought patterns as habits and how much that influences us. I may go more into detail at a later date, but it’s been an interesting journey. Not just reprogramming and weeding out of thought forms but also reliving briefly things long forgotten, react to them perhaps for the first time ever and then letting go. I don’t get to choose them, they just emerge and I try to go with the flow rather than fight them, which is also relatively new to me. “Ok, so today I’m bawling my eyes out over something that happened when I was 7, and it feels like I’m going to feel this forever but I know that I’ll probably not.”

Changing thought habits is a really tough job, and I’m not working on it all the time. It’s one of those things that run in a spiral, you go on and on and nothing much appears to happen, until suddenly you find that you’ve circled around and actually ended up at the same spot, but a step higher. And looking down on the previous contact point you see an amazing difference. Pretty cool is what I think. It’s when we believe we should be able to make instant transitions once we make a logical decision, that everything seems to lock up. It’s also one of the best ways to become exhausted!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw]

And now my headache says to give it a break. I guess I’m either cycling round again or my new meditation cd is doing some weird sh*t. Only time will tell. I guess I’ll go sweep the floor and sort the dog nest rumpled sofa covers. Naps don’t help with this thing unfortunately. I may have one anyway, I tend to forget when I’m busy.


Whaddaya know, I wrote all this on Tuesday and then got interrupted by, tada! a gallstone attack, before I could take proper pix. I’ve been having a bit of pain all summer (or longer? I don’t recall) like a belt under my ribs but I didn’t think it was anything serious. Going in for a scan this morning, that means no coffee, no breakfast!

When and whether anybody is going to do something about it remains to be seen…

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17 thoughts on “Random rants (with yarn)

  1. What a coincidence, i wrote a post on similar thoughts the other day, after reading some CBT stuff. I also have a “relax” cd, but still have to listen to it πŸ˜‰
    I totally relate to the things you say and describe, it’s tough to change our thinking patterns/behaviour but it’s a necessary and slow process to a better relation to ourselves, isn’t it? I’m trying to put the anxiety at rest, start the journey and slowly making progress, through highs and lows.
    I wish you all the best & good vibes

    1. You know, I’ve had your post sitting in a browsertab for a couple of days now but I was too blurry in my head to read it properly after writing this. I promise I’ll get to it.

      1. it is indeed, but it will be overcome πŸ™‚ just need to take some time to look after oneself and keep a positive mindset
        Thank you for reading my post, and no worries, take time and read it if/when you have time and energy. There is no duty or hurry πŸ™‚

        1. Time is a great healer. Ad then more of it. And the ability to let it be – struggling and pushing only makes the monster stronger.

  2. Interesting what you’re saying about thought patterns and anxiety, this plays a huge role in my own fatigue. I have tried all kinds of methods (at the moment I’m taking part in a medical trial to test one of them) but the one that seems to have been most effective is a NLP-based method that aims to reduce stress and anxiety and break thought patterns that drain away energy and consume the brain bandwidth. For me at least it has made quite a big difference even if it hasn’t cured me entirely, it has just been a relief to learn that I can actually control some of these thought patterns, I don’t have to be swept away with them (even if it does take some effort and some of the techniques are somewhat unusual).

    Obviously I don’t want to impose – there are so many of these alternative therapies around and what works for one person might not help the next, so feel free to just ignore this – but just in case you are ever interested, have a look at: http://www.guptaprogramme.com/me-chronic-fatigue-syndrome/

    1. Perfectionism -> anxiety is a killer. My headache is really making itself heard now, so I’ll look at your link when it’s all done pestering me. Always interesting to look at new stuff, whether you end up liking it or not!

      I don’t think (well I don’t know yet anyway) that we can totally stop thinking unsound thoughts forever, but what matters most it seems, is being able to stand aside and see them as apart from your self. Just because a thought originated in your mind does not make it a truth. It really is quite random like the weather. So if you stop owning the thought, being swept away like you said, it’s a big help already.

    1. Thanks. Me and myself are feeling fine, it’s just the old body that isn’t compliant. It’s the one thing I can’t “think” into order apparently. πŸ˜‰

  3. I thought I’d left a comment, but obviously not! Boom and bust, I know it so well πŸ™ pacing does help me, and meditation too, though I avoid it, mostly! I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with peri menopause too, I hope that, at least, improves very soon.

  4. So sorry to hear about all that feeling ill. Perimenopause… I am not enjoying it personally and have taken far more serious action than I ever would have believed I would be prepared to do, since otherwise I feared my own actions day in and day out, even after a year with a naturopath I have a lot of confidence in. Life is much better without that huge struggle parked in every single day. I hope you find ways through all you’re wrestling with.

    1. I’m pretty much ready to have everything removed, but they don’t do that here anymore unless you have tumors or other types of growths. My granny had the same troubles and that was the solution, according to her it was like being born again.

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